The Marriage Plot
by thursdaysisters
Summary: Girl!Chester screenplay. Samantha is forced into a wedding contract with a monster, shenanigans ensue. Written for counteragent, based on badbastion's "Hairbraiding" art.


_I had the privilege of listening to counteragent's film "The Other Side" during the editing process, and wrote this when more of badbastion's girl!Chester art emerged after the film launched. _

* * *

_(SCENE: Darkened room. Dinah and Samantha are tied up, seated back to back, a cone of light shining over them. Camera points between the legs of a bad guy with an East European accent.)_

**Villain:** So, you Winchesters think you can get away with murder?

**Dinah:** You ate that guy's head!

**Villain:** Silence, puny human, while we determine your fate!

**Henchman 1:** Drowning's too good for them!

**Henchman 2:**Stabbing's too good for them!

**Henchman 3:** Wait, what about Uncle Tony?

_(Barely suppressed giggling from all the bad guys.)_

**Henchman 2:** You're awful!

**Henchman 3:**No dude, I still have it from the last girl.

_(Villain shoves a form in front of Dinah.)_

**Villain:** Sign by the X.

**Dinah:** What is this?

**Samantha:** Do whatever he wants, just let's get out of here!

**Dinah:** How do I know this isn't a trick?

_(Villain shoves the barrel of a gun between Dinah's teeth. Dinah looks up, pats her jean pockets as if looking for a pen. Henchman 1 produces a pen, clicks it, Dinah takes it, and scribbles a signature.)_

**Villain:** Um, could you press a little harder, it's in triplicate.

_(Dinah scribbles harder. When she's done, Henchman 1 tears off the bottom portion, folds it once, hands it to Dinah, then Villain removes his gun.)_

**Villain:** Ugh, now there's lipstick all over it._ (sniffs gun)_ Strawberry-flavored? What are you, in third grade?

_(SCENE: Bedroom. Samantha looks over the document while Dinah drinks a beer.)  
_  
**Samantha:** Did you even read this?

**Dinah:** You're welcome, you know, I can still taste that 9mm.

**Samantha:** We're so screwed.

**Dinah:** Hey they let us go, it's not like we sold our souls.

**Samantha:** It's worse.

**Dinah:**_(snatches away paper)_ Don't be a baby. _(reads paper)_ I'm getting married?

**Samantha:**No, I'm getting married. To Uncle Tony.

**Dinah:**_(disappointed)_ Oh, okay.

**Samantha:** Not okay! These guys are all Gorgonian descendants!

**Dinah:** They didn't look like monks.

**Samantha:**Not Gregorian, like the Gorgons from Greek mythology.

**Dinah:** Whoa, slow down College, some of us were busy getting to third case with the band teacher.

**Samantha:** It's a big deal. You look at this guy's face once, once, you're dead. Blam. No wonder they had to trick us, no one's ever survived the wedding night.

**Dinah:** It's amazing what you can accomplish with your eyes closed.

**Samantha:** Read the fine print.

**Dinah:** _(reads)_ That can't be right. There's a thingy at the bottom.

**Samantha:** Date of annulment. Check out the date.

**Dinah:** Huh. Nine months from today._ (swigs beer, contemplating)_ No way.

_(SCENE: same darkened room from before, shot between Villain's legs)  
_  
**Dinah:** You don't want Samantha making babies.

**Villain:**She looks healthy to me.

**Samantha:** I, uh, have a history.

**Dinah:** Yeah, she doesn't want to have sex with a monster.

**Villain:** You think Uncle Tony is not fit for marriage?

**Dinah:** You don't understand. Sammy doesn't want to have sex with A monster. She wants to have sex with ALL the monsters. I've seen it. She'll start with one in the morning, and then he calls up his friends and they run a chain on her ass until dinner, and then when it gets dark a whole other crew shows up to party. We get old I'm gonna have to microwave a hot dog and stick plastic fangs on it to keep her lady parts from sealing shut.

**Villain:** What?

**Dinah:** Seriously dude, I wouldn't touch this, it's a crime scene down there.

**Samantha:** Not helping!

**Dinah:** Will you let me talk?

_(Henchman 1 and 2 sneak behind and bonk the girls over the heads, they fall unconscious.)  
_  
**Villain:** Dump the little one.

**Henchman 1:** But her name's on the contract.

**Villain:** Uncle Tony doesn't know that. Hurry before they wake up.

_(SCENE: alleyway. Samantha awakes sprawled on the ground.)  
_  
**Samantha:** Ow.

_(Two henchmen are further down the street laughing and smoking. Samantha sneaks behind and snags one of their guns.)_

**Samantha:** Where's my sister?

**Henchman 1:** Point that somewhere else.

**Samantha:** Okay.

_(Samantha grabs the Henchman's hair, yanks him forward until her and his foreheads touch, then twist her gun arm around so the gun points to the back of her head. The angle is such that if she pulled the trigger, the bullet would go through both their heads.)_

**Samantha:** How about now?

**Henchman 1:** You wouldn't.

**Samantha:** Wanna know how many times I've been resurrected?

**Henchman 1:** Not really, no.

**Samantha: **Great. Where did you take her?

_(SCENE: creepy bedroom. Dinah sits slumped in a chair, tied up, and slowly comes to. A man with a bag over his head stands facing the corner directly behind her, forehead against the wall and arms at his sides like a disobedient toddler. They are positioned like this for the entire scene.)_

**Tony:** Oh good Samantha, you're awake. The priest is running late, would you like to try on the dress? It's a bit old-fashioned but...

_(Dinah looks over, sees a dead priest on the floor with blood running out of his eyes, and a white dress on a hanger hanging from a nail in the wall. She tries to speak, but is too weak.)_

**Tony:** I'm so glad you decided to come. I've heard good things.

_(A crib sits near him, and he continually touches the baby shoes and baby dress hanging off the side.)  
_  
**Tony:** I love little children. Even when they scream and bite and kick you when you're down, they're not doing it to mess with your head. They don't have an agenda. It's just in their nature.

_(Samantha sneaks through a door and holds a finger to her lips to signal silence to Dinah.)  
_  
**Tony:** I hope the baby looks like you. If she takes after me, well, she'll still be beautiful. We'll tell her that the angels made her face from the stuff that lines summer clouds. That strangers look away because stars have to be seen from a distance. We are those stars, Samantha.  
_  
(Dinah's face is contemplative, considering his words. Samantha steps carefully toward Tony, knife in one hand.)_

**Tony:** Like you, I burned everyone who reached out to me.

_(Tony reaches for a light switch. Dinah tries to loosen her bonds.)  
_  
**Tony:** I'm going to take off the bag now.

_(Darkness. We see the blue edge of Samantha's knife.)  
_  
**Tony:** Give me your hand.

_(Samantha grabs his wrist and pulls him on the blade. He collapses into Dinah's arms.)_

**Tony:** Sam?

**Dinah: **I'm sorry._ (he dies)_ I wish I was your wife.

_(SCENE: Forest at night. A car's headlights are angled toward the camera, in front of which Dinah is digging Tony's grave. Samantha appears.)_

**Dinah:** Anything good at the gas station?

**Samantha:** Got you a Slim Jim.

**Dinah:** Did you microwave it?

**Samantha:** You're gross.

**Dinah:** Aw man, now I have to eat it cold.

_(They sit by the car and drink beer.)_

**Samantha: **I was thinking, if I'd had that monster's kid, you think she would've turned out like me?

**Dinah:** Worse, she'd be completely normal. Nine months of nothing but salad and book-reading, she'll come out wondering why there's no arugula in her Happy Meal.

**Samantha:** And why no one gets her Proust jokes.

**Dinah:** Yeah. _(sad profile)_ We'd be the screwed-up ones.

_(They clink beer bottles)_

**Samantha:** I'd have made a prettier baby than you anyway.

_(Dinah dumps beer on Samantha's head)_

**Dinah:** Who's prettier now bitch?

_(They chase each other around the car. End credits roll.)_


End file.
